Week Seven: Weakness and Strengths

As the weather turns cold and snowy, I am reminded that with Myeloma, I have this tube in my wind pipe. The humid cold air causes condensation and build up with in the trach and causes me to cough, a lot. I have to remind myself that I am still new to this as well as dealing with all the other battles going on. I bring this up, because I find myself unable to sleep very much. It is not uncommon to have a 3 or 4 hour night, and then nap a couple times in between visits, appointments, and time with friends and family.

One night, a couple nights ago, I was up at 4 or so, and was surfing the TV, and came across a Hallmark Christmas type movie. You know the ones, I think they said on the radio once that this year there are going to be like 40 of them! Anyways, as I eye rolled, I found myself putting down the remote. My thought was, maybe I will be bored out of my mind and fall asleep. Now I did doze on and  off but as an expert TV watcher, I was still able to guess/follow the predictable story. Anyways! There was one line in there, and I am paraphrasing, but it said something like this about prayer:

God hears all prayers, but he earmarks the honest ones. 

I frowned at the statement. Aren't all prayers honest? But then I started thinking, when you go through the motions, are you being honest? Do you really want to "bless the hands that prepared the food"? Of course, right? But what does that mean? I am extremely guilty of "going through the motions" prayers. Some times it is just too painful or shameful to ask for what I need. I found that the sincere and honest prayers, were ones I kept to myself, but if I ever prayed in front of others, I said the scripted one I grew up with. Was I embarrassed?  My goal is to have as many honest prayers as I can. I feel I may have wasted many prayerful opportunities.

A couple things have happened these last couple weeks. My kidneys are working great, so, on a trial basis, they dropped me down to two dialysis trips a week. Mondays and Fridays. What a blessing this is! In turn, since my chemotherapy days are Wednesday, they moved my infusion appointments out by the center by my house! My commute and hospital time on Wednesdays dropped from a 7 AM - 6 PM ordeal with an hour both ways in travel to a 3 minute ride and a 3 hour visit. So much nicer. Although this week, because I haven't had a break yet from the chemo, I have become anemic. And this week, I have to have a blood transfusion. So that will add a couple hours to the week.

I brought up prayer because it has become my security blanket. Each week of chemotherapy is getting harder on me. I can feel it. It is becoming harder to keep my smile on my face. I feel myself getting weaker, and for someone who has always been strong, physically, mentally and spiritually, it is becoming harder and harder to be. But I hold to prayer. And I have seen it work, in the few short weeks. I am realizing how important every interaction I have with people is becoming. I want to make the most of every visit. I have always had a fear of appearing weak, and this whole hurricane of health issues is making it really hard to be strong.

Anyways, with no break in chemotherapy for another 4 to 5 months, I find myself pondering and praying more than ever. Thank you all for your prayers. I know Michelle and I are astounded at how we have made it this far, and we worry about the future. But having God and Family and Friends to lean on is becoming a highlight in our nightly talks before bed.

Thank you.