Regrets

      A year or so ago, Chris and I went for a drive and as we did we talked about life.  There was a lot to talk about as we've been through a lot in the past few years.   At one point in the conversation, he asked if had any regrets.  I think I probably took him by surprise when pretty quickly replied that I did.   I told him I regretted not taking more pictures.    Looking back on this year, it's easy to say that it's one we would want to forget but instead I'm grateful that I've done better at taking pictures as there are some that I was able to capture that highlight some of the most tender moments. 

     This picture was taken in January, the first time Chris was in the hospital.  It was a memorable trip as late at night he was transported via ambulance from the South Jordan up to the main UofU.  It was able to catch a rare moment of quiet where he was able to get some sleep.  All the machines in the background now in comparison look simple. 
       I've shared with those who have asked, some of the trials we've experienced the past four years while battling a brain tumor.   However, I'm generally a private person.   I posted this picture to Facebook along with some insight from an Ensign article I'd read comparing life to a card game where you never know what cards you will be dealt.  (Here's the article if you would like to read it.)  Putting myself and my feelings out there wasn't easy, but I learned from that post how many people care about us.  It gave me courage to share my feelings and thoughts when the next few "rounds" dealt some very difficult cards.
      As well, many who know me know that I'm an avid journal writer.   Almost 25 years ago I started writing in a journal each night, and have not missed a night in nearly as many.   It didn't start out as much and many days I don't feel I have anything profound to write.   However, it's given me lots of practice and is one of my most treasured possessions.   Writing in my journal, and now this blog is very therapeutic and helped carry me through many difficult times.   Had I not been in the habit of doing this during the simple times, trying to document the difficulties of this year would have been an impossible task.   Doing so has been a huge blessing to me, and hopefully also the lives of those around me.  Reading back and remembering all of the incredibly difficult things we have survived has helped give me the strength to continue on.

     In February we had the opportunity to attend the lantern festival for the company who Chris works for called "The Lights".  He was still recovering from pneumonia and struggling to breathe because of tracheal stenosis (we just didn't know it) and we really debated about going.   But we did and it was a magical moment.   Beautiful lanterns ascending to heaven with one of our favorite songs, "Hallelujah", playing in the background.   He mustered up the energy to come stand by me and put his arms around me.  Content in his arms, time stood still for a moment and life was peaceful.

      A couple months later at the funeral of my Grandma Beauregard, was another profound moment.  I was lucky enough to grow up around the corner from her and very close to my extended family.   Seeing everyone come together to support each other in a time of loss and celebrate the life of my Grandma made me realize how lucky I was to be so close.  There were many times in the hospital when they came and put their arms around me in support, and many times when I've sure my Grandma was watching out for me from above.  They also made sure that I had some happy memories on my birthday.  This past week we were glad to be able to make it to Christmas at Grandpa's, where I got to see most all of my family.   It was so wonderful to see all of them.  Chris and I were humbled when my aunt Shari got up and started talking about how each year recently they as siblings have collected and donated money to great cause.   She then proceeded to hand us a box with what they had collected and wanted us to have.  I haven't talked much about it, but as I'm sure you can imagine the financial aspect of an illness can be pretty overwhelming.   We've been paying our portion of the almost $600,000 billed to insurance this year, but with a new year resetting everything and chemo costing $12,000 a week I knew we would quickly be at our max again and the needed payment even bigger.  Because of their gift, and the gift from other generous people, it is going to allows us to pay off our medical bills from 2017.   A great weight has been lifted off our shoulders and it is an amazing way to be able to put a tremendously difficult year behind us. 

     The month of May ended up with an unexpected and extended stay in the hospital.   What was supposed to be a fairly routine surgery to open up his airway quickly took a complicated turn and a long day turned into a long night.  These picture were taken on Mother's Day weekend in the surgical ICU where we ended up spending most of the month.   Chris's sister Tammy and brother-in-law Mark had driven his Mom down from Washington so that they could be there for the surgery to stabilize his airway by adding a trach.  Because he was intubated and hooked up to so many tubes, Chris wasn't able to speak for most of that hospital stay, but just like a picture an amazing amount can be communicated with touch.   Looking at the picture of his mom holding his hand brings back so many memories of me doing the same.    I do regret that I didn't get more with other's who came that visit but I was also trying to do better at "living in the moment" so I'm glad I was able to get the ones that I did.

  This is just one of the amazing nurses who took care of Chris this year, Ian.   He was one of his first nurses in the ICU in May and was there at some very critical times, not just for Chris but also for me.  We've met many more amazing medical staff along the way, and I find a connection with them.   Just like with my job, it's not about what we do, it's about why we do it.  Being able to make a positive difference in the life of another is precious opportunity.


         This picture was taken in October, very shortly after we received the cancer diagnosis.  His brother Fred was able to arrange to stop by with his family on a flight back from a vacation in California.  Many of my family had been able to be a great support to both Chris and I during that difficult stay, but having his brother show up from out of town at such a difficult time was a priceless gift at a much needed time. 
    Our friend John got me a digital picture frame for Christmas which we have in our front room where we look at it frequently.   These pictures and many others that I've taken are loaded in it and each one that comes up reminds me of just how far we've come this year.   I've loaded it with pictures from his family in their "Team Chris" shirts as well as many of the motivational quotes from this blog.  It has the ability to load photo's into it simply by e-mailing them.  If anyone would like to send pictures to the frame, the e-mail address is:    Carlsson.Home@mynixplay.com   We've tested it and they are best sent one picture per e-mail. 

     So now that you've taken a short walk through just some of our most tender memories from this year  may you as you have some time to reflect your 2017.   And if you are one who is contemplating setting some goals for the coming year, may I offer a few suggestions.

May you consider:

Writing in a journal

Taking more pictures 

Living in the moment.   

     Whether you start in January or at some point in the future it's something that will be a treasure.  They've been something that's made a big difference in my life this year.



    Finally, as I've thought about the past year it's easy to question how we've survived.   The experiences we've had have pushed us to our breaking point many times.  But because of so many people around us being willing to share their love with us in so many different ways, we've had the strength to survive.  We've felt so much love that it overshadowed the challenges of chemo and dialysis and made for a very memorable and cherished Christmas.
     My love for those around me, and most especially my sweetheart, give me the courage to face the uncertainty ahead.   We've grown a lot closer this year, and I'm amazed at his ability to persevere and overcome.   He's one of a kind and even though together we've been through a lot, marrying him is still the best decisions I've ever made.