The List

     We all have them...the list of events when our lives were forever changed.   Days where our vision and understanding of life was altered.  Moments that can break us, or define us.   While some of our most life altering moments are happy... such as the day we meet a lifelong friend, the day we graduate, get married, have a child ... this list is different.   It's a list of days when we are pushed nearly to a breaking point from fear, sadness, anxiety, loneliness or grief.

     The first for me was a day just after I turned sixteen.   It was the beginning of summer and I was in a good mood.  I remember bouncing up the steps and passed my dad who was sitting on the stairs talking on the phone.  Shortly after he called us into the living room a while where he let us know that one of my best friends had passed away.   Several days later, leaving the cemetery after the graveside service I heard others in extreme grief sobbing for a life lost so young.   Instead of a breaking point of grief, I was instead blessed with a strong feeling of peace and knowledge that death wasn't the end.   As a child I had always grown up with a religious belief that there was a life after, but had been spared experiencing it close hand.   My paternal grandfather had passed away years before, but at an age where it hadn't quite absorbed or understood the magnitude.   The precious gift of peace and knowledge that I gained during that experience I have carried with me ever since. 

     Another such moment occurred five years later.   This one impacted the world.  September 11th changed everything.   We had been married for just less than a year and the comfort from being safe in his arms when we were reunited that day is something I still treasure.  The change that happened within the country was profound.   Everyone was "in it together" and we were all united.  That unity and patriotism continued through the Olympics, but then over time just slowly fell away.   I wish it could have lasted for others, but I will never forget what I felt that day.

     The year 2017 provided several more moments to my list.   In May the "longest day ever" turned into the longest night, longest week and longest month.   Well... might as well include it..the longest year ever.  We were faced with so many impossibly difficult situations that year.   But we survived! Looking back it would be easy to focus on the bad, but there were so many blessing too!  I'm so grateful that my work understood the importance of family and allowed me to be there, by his side every step of the way.  Had I not been, I don't believe that he would be here today.
      One particular moment in October when he was in the ICU he was in respiratory distress.   Things were escalating quickly, alarms were beeping, multiple nurses and RT's (Respiratory Therapists) were there trying to figure out what was wrong.   Tucked in the corner out of the way, I was blessed with a moment of clarity.   After inquiring if they had deflated the cuff on his trach, they realized they hadn't and immediately did so.   He was able to breath again and the alarms quickly silenced.   Such a stressful situation, but one where we were very blessed. 

   We have been watching the events of this year with caution.   As things escalated quickly, we canceled our trip to Vegas and spent that week at home.   While not quite the relaxing "vacation" that I had been looking forward to, being able to stay at home and not venture out was a huge blessing and one that helped calm many of my worries.   We've been blessed that our home has always felt like a refuge, a little piece of heaven. 
      Because of his weak immune system we already had much of what we needed.   John helped to stock us up with some of the essentials before he left for work in Wyoming, and other friends and family helping to fill in a few of the gaps in essentials that we needed. 
      This week was the start of a new chemo cycle.   Going to the hospital for labs on Monday was different.   The tents for testing were just across the way from the  Huntsman parking but it was comforting to see that they had blocked off the infusion center entrance to only cancer patients.
       They tested his myeloma blood markers, we always are a bit nervous to click the results, this time especially so.   Having his myeloma choose to stop responding now would be horrible timing.   When they showed an upward spike we were a bit anxious.   Huntsman, like many other hospitals, has recently changed their policy to no longer allow any visitors.   Luckily Matt, his nurse (we love Matt) sent us a message and just told us that they had changed the parameters and all was still well.   In addition, as probably a mix of things (saving resources and limiting exposure) they decided for this cycle to remove the infusion portion of this chemo cycle.   Instead of the Darzalex infusion at the hospital with is accompanying steroid, he's just taking his daily chemo pill at home. 

     This week as well I returned to work.  Unlike previous times away where it felt like returning to a little bit of "normal life" this week was anything but normal.   It was great to see my employee's again, many of them to me are like family, but it has been so stressful each time to know that going to work was risky.   One very important thing has helped me survive difficult situations is to not look to far ahead.  Sometimes just living a moment, an hour, a day or a week at a time.   That is how I survived before and that's how I survived this week.
 
      When my work acknowledged that it was too risky for me to be there (by suggesting they might need me to sign a wavier) I decided it was time.   I hope that I have the time needed to be off, and that I'll have a job to return to, but for now I'm so grateful to be safe at home.

    I'm not sure what the coming days, weeks or months will be like.   No one knows how long this invisible but very real threat will alter our lives.   For now I choose to continue forward with love, hope, and gratitude.   What we are being asked to do is not impossible.   We are blessed in so many ways.   We are safe in our homes, sleeping in our own beds.  We can go outside for fresh air and sunshine.   We can access the internet and use it to stay informed, stay connected and also stay entertained.   We have clean water that we can use to shower, cook and wash our clothes (and hands).   So much has changed in the past years that if we need to do so, we can leave our house to obtain groceries and even take-out food without having to leave the safety of our car.   Medications if needed can even be mailed.  I'm grateful for all of those on the front lines.  The doctors, nurses, therapists, pharmacists, truckers, grocery store workers, factory workers and countless essential others.   I've seen their love, compassion and knowledge many times first hand, and hope to not need their skills for the time being.    I'm very grateful for the precious time I get to spend with my sweetheart and for the friends and family who reach out to us and offer their help to keep us safe.   Today the sun is shining and a beautiful refreshing spring breeze is blowing through the pink "popcorn" on my apricot tree.   Today the world is united in prayer and looking upwards for guidance and peace.   Today is new day. 

      What has this situation made you grateful for?